” Depression” A term I have been using freely for the past few weeks to describe what I feel like, but what is depression? What is depression to me? Depression is of different types for different people. It is of 1000’s of various types and I am just another victim of a disease which is considered the cancer of mental illnesses. So the same question arises again, What is depression to me??
For me, depression is not crying at night into the pillow for hours, it is losing the ability to cry at all, even when that is the only thing you wish to do. It isn’t feeling sad or low at all times, it is not feeling anything at all and longing for the ability to feel anything, just anything. It is mostly just sitting in a corner of a room quiet and expressionless facing a screen trying to pass the time.It isn’t longing for a relationship of some kind, it’s being realistic to the point where you believe it’s only going to end in a break up or with death. It is like withdrawing from society and the whole of mankind altogether and not wanting to ever have any contact with another person again. This continues to the point where you lose the ability and the will to interact with another human being without making them feel uneasy and/or uncomfortable.
I wish it was easy enough to be something to ‘get over’ or to’snap out of’ but it’s not, it’s traumatizing and it’s never ending. It doesn’t let go for one second, it stays for every moment of every day of every year and there is no escape from it. I don’t say I’m depressed because it makes me look complicated or deep, I do it because that is what I am, and I wish it was as easy to get out of it as it is to say it to someone but it’s not, it’s tiring and exhausting, hopeless and relentless. I again scream it out to everyone, I NEED HELP, AND I NEED YOUR HELP. Only you can save me from this and silence is not the answer I need at the moment.
Knight Of Steel.