I have been really open about my struggles and my problems over the past few weeks. The difficulties I faced in dealing with depression and other stuff, but I wasn’t always really this open. For the first 18 months I didn’t speak to anyone about it, I tried to keep it a secret for as long as possible from as many people as possible.
I had numerous reasons for that, I will try and list out as many as I can.
- People wouldn’t understand : Probably the biggest fear I had, I had never really seen anyone come out about their struggles openly before, I had only witnessed the struggles of another person being talked about in a hushed manner among various people in a closed meeting. Such talks always somehow concluded that time or the person itself would heal everything and no outer help was necessary. In such a mindset, to be open about my struggles, only filled me with fear about what ‘the people would say’. Although my fears have so far been proven right, most of the people haven’t really understood or tried to understand my problems or depression in general, but what I did cannot be taken back now so I must not really think about it now.
- Social Exclusion : As I have said, I had never seen people talk about their issues openly, I only had the opinion of people on the internet and the likely outcomes to go on. Unfortunately, I believed for a long time, that if I talked about it, it would lead to people withdrawing from their social meeting with me and that would reduce my already minimalist-ic social circle. The anxiousness I faced, and still do, about talking about my problems is something I am trying to work on and get rid of.
- Would it even work? : How would sharing your problems with thousands or maybe even millions of people help? What could they possibly suggest that hasn’t been told to me already or been suggested by someone I know? How many of them would read about it and just ignore it or not even read what I wrote because it was too long? Such questions put enough doubt in my mind to not do anything but now that I have done so, the supportive statements and messages I have received have definitely been a help.
- I would have to face so many questions : Since when? Why didn’t you tell me? Why? How? So many questions, and I have so few answers. Another reason to stay silent about it.
- I don’t trust people enough for it : When everything is said and done, it really comes down to the fact that I just really don’t trust mankind enough to provide me with the answers or support I am looking for to get out of my depression. The jury is still out on this one though, for every person whose words have helped, there have been two times more people who have pushed me back down with theirs.
Well, these are some of the many reasons I stayed quiet for 18 months. Hopefully, I will be proven wrong and end up as a better person than before.