Holi, the Indian festival of colors, celebrated with great joy and enthusiasm during spring each year. Ever wondered what it is like for someone without any sort of colors in his life to have to celebrate an otherwise beautiful and colorful festival? I have to face the same dilemma every time a festival like this arrives, do I behave like what I feel and stay totally disconnected from everyone in my own aura of misery or do I act like a decently happy guy, connect with people, talk to them and expend half of my energy in just staying like an average person is supposed to be.
The latter would be harmful for me in the long run, because acting normally makes people think I am totally healed now from my depression and other issues and now I don’t need any help and everything is just fine. Whereas, the former spoils the mood of everyone who wished to be happy on a festive day .
Yesterday, I chose to go with the latter option, and I realized that I couldn’t have probably made the right choice either way. That is somehow a good excerpt of what my depression is like as well. No matter what I do or decide, it is always the wrong choice.
People are draining, they drain you of all your energy, no matter who they are, and some of them, even though they consider themselves to be close to me always tell me stuff which makes me only feel worse about myself and my life choices. I am not good at expressing myself when in person. I have some normal days, and mostly bad days. Yesterday started as a normal one, but by the time it ended, I was so drained of all of my energy I couldn’t even be bothered enough to try and act normal. I was tired, so so tired, and I couldn’t even let anyone know about it properly. I wanted to shout out loud at people, wanted to let them know how unhelpful they were being, how even I did not know how to help me. How I was just so damn helpless that giving me mile long sermons about life and choices and growing up was not going to help me but just end up being another thing I pay no attention to.
To conclude, I am helpless, hopeless, and just desperate for something that could make me genuinely happy, I don’t know what it is, what it could be, but whatever it is I do need it as soon as possible. I have to act to be normal, to be able to talk, I practice every conversation I go through over a 100 times atleast to make sure I am never at a situation where I don’t have an answer prepared. I will repeat myself, I need help, I don’t need someone’s tough love or sermons,
I JUST NEED.