Hello! I wanna share my story in as less words as possible. I do not want to share it to just help myself (for that matter I’ve already been helped). I believe sharing helps mutually to the (here) writer and the readers.
For a year, I had been disturbed with any news/story/anything related to sexual abuse/violence. The stress/anxiety was so bad that it had started affecting my lifestyle pretty badly. I had started missing on my classes. Whenever there was any sexual abuse related discussion in class, I couldn’t stop but start crying during the class itself, hiding my face from everyone (and successful in doing so). It was so bad that during one of my exam (yeah, final exam), we had a question related to rape. It was an excerpt from a story and we had to comment on it. So there was mentioning of a girl (in the excerpt) who was raped by her sister’s husband. The man had tied her well, hid her in a fortified building, and cut her tongue so that she cannot ask for any help. I remember back than reading that question, I started crying during my exam. I felt disturbed and i don’t know like my head was burning, I wasn’t able to think anything clearly. I was sitting tight in my seat, closing my legs as tightly as I could. I was imagining and visualising this situation, and I was scared of rape. I tried hard to finish my exam but it had become utterly hard to write my exam after reading that question. All I wanted back then was to just crush that question paper and rush out of examination hall but there was still 1.5 hour (as well as I can recall now) left. Somehow I managed to attempt this question followed by one or two more. In the end I left around 15-25 marks paper unattempted not because I did not have time but because I could not write. I wasted like an hour just sitting tightly and trying to write, and wanting to rush out of that room. And then the bell rang. Finally the paper was over. I thought I would flunk that exam but somehow I managed a C.
And there are many other such incidents which also include horrible nightmares of death and sexual abuse. But why was I facing such difficulty in first place!
Because I had made a frnd who had suffered sexual abuse. I was living with that frnd of mine. Every day was a struggle. And meeting that frnd had triggered my childhood and teenage memories of physical abuse. It was terrible! That time was difficult. I wasn’t healthy both mentally and physically.
After a year of such disturbance, I decided I wanted to end all this disturbance. I wanted a solution to my problems. I approached my parents, my dad specifically. And I’m so glad he understood and did not say anything patriarchal that might have disturbed me even more. It was a great help for me sharing my problem with him. Even though I couldn’t tell him everything. I tried to say all I had faced till now, everything, but I couldn’t. My narration consisted mostly emotions and tears, and a few sentences. But he didn’t force me to tell everything. He just patiently listened to all I could say. He supported me in every possible way (like he has always been doing).
Since that day I’ve been doing a lot better. I’m doing good. I still cry sometimes listening to or reading such stories/news (because I can’t help but empathise) but I’m able to handle myself better. I have fought most of my battles with sheer will and support. Sometimes people have even thought of me as just being stupidly hopeful but that’s okay because for me will and hope are utterly important. Doesn’t mean that I’m not realistic. A person can be realistic and optimistic simultaneously, a paradox indeed.
Meeting that frnd sure triggered my memories pretty badly but it also made me understand my story better. I believe we all learn from each other and if my story can help even a little, I’d be happy to have shared it.
P.S: Oh and back then when I was going through all that, of course I did not have any good frnd in my class which ultimately made things worse.
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