Coronavirus has been hitting us hard and I feel like there are so many things going through my head that I have been keeping inside me. I don’t know how many of you will relate with this or understand what I am going through but it felt like I needed a vent and this is an article on all the kinds of feelings I have been feeling since the Coronavirus hit all our lives.
I got the news of my college closing down when I was preparing my research work for presentation. I had just completed my data collection and was on the way of transcribing all the 800 minutes of audio when I got the text that there will be no classes till the 31st of March. And suddenly, something within me just switched off. It was like I suddenly lost the will to do anything after that. At a time when I was supposed to be working on my dissertation and covertly thanking the virus for buying me some precious extra time, I was busy doing nothing at all.
As it became a reality that there will be no classes, my plans of going to New Delhi hit a break since it wasn’t considered safe to visit crowded places. I ended up staying at home and except for an hour that I spent in the gym, I spent most of my time on my phone and on the laptop. Either gathering as many updates as I could on Coronavirus or working on my research. As I spent time on the mobile, I hear the terrible news of Italy going on lockdown. The USA bungled its pandemic response and the bodies started piling up. Soon enough, cases started emerging in India as well and I started feeling nervous about how my Government was going to respond to it.
Living in the Digital World of Coronavirus
Just two days back the gyms closed down. I now live in a completely digital world. Except for my family, all the interactions I have are on a digital platform and at some level it is messing with my head. News continued to pour in. Each day I would hear news about the largest jump in death toll yet. Each day I would hear about the stock markets plunging and each day my nervousness would grow about where the future lies.
Of course, I lost the motivation to do the one thing that kept me out of that digital world. I tried to study or work but it just wouldn’t happen to me. I have been spending the last few days just watching random documentaries on Netflix or walking around and trying to keep myself fit enough.
All this while, my phone travels with me being the harbinger of bad news even in the best of times. Sometimes it feels like people around me aren’t taking it seriously enough which makes me feel helpless. Sometimes it feels like people are doing too much and it is getting restrictive. The worst part is that these two thoughts exist in my mind at the same time.
I don’t even know which one is right and the constant quarrelling between the two gives me a headache. I think that some stores need to keep open to ensure the economy doesn’t tank. I also think that people should be given time off in the times of pandemics as their health is important too. Again, all these things at the same time.
It feels like there is just so much information in my head right now that I don’t know what to do with it. Everything seems blurry and it isn’t clear what I should be prioritizing. The conflict in my mind lowers my productivity and increases my nervousness about what lies ahead. The Coronavirus is messing with my head without even being here.
I Am Conflicted
The most disturbing thing about the coronavirus and the pandemic that it is, is that it has left me alone with my mind. My mind has a very bad history when left with me in complete/close to complete isolation. It’s like there is this battle going on in my head right now wherein my mind of the old times is trying to ‘reason/logic/rationalize’ me into misery while my real self keeps it at bay with whatever it can find.
With all this said, the truth of the matter is that I am a part of this response. Just sitting at my home means that I am responding to this pandemic and it is just a matter of how much more do I choose to do with my role. I think about making educational videos on it and my mind instantly snaps back saying,
“No one is going to watch it.”
“What if you spread misinformation?”
“What if you hurt someone’s sentiments?”
And in these dialogues, I end up doing nothing at all. Which makes me feel even worse. I will be honest. It has been just 3 days since I have involved myself in social distancing and it is getting to my head.
Not because of the viral infection but because of who (or what) it has made me spend my time with.
“For all the armies, state-of-the-art weaponry, nuclear bombs, thermonuclear bombs, Tsar bombs, Hydrogen bombs, the world was brought to a halt by a microscopic zombie.”Arjun Gupta